


Endless

by beartes



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Drabbles, F/M, M/M, i don't know where i am going with this but enjoy the hinata angst, no beta we die like men, no spoilers in tags at least, this is very bitter but i don't know if i will go for the sweet ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2019-09-20 04:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17015496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beartes/pseuds/beartes
Summary: Maybe she should be resentful, and many would leave but Hinata knows this pain. It's so familiar, in fact, she's numb to it. And she loves. Greedily, hopelessly, perilously. Her love is unwanted but Hinata will give it anyway, she's selfish like that. So she'll stay, shattering.





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> So, another bitter ending interpretation of the Uzumaki family in Naruto, uh? Who would have thought it?  
> (Everyone, that's who)

  **\- I -**

Hinata and rejection had a long-standing friendship. You could even say it's unhealthy, the way she had learned to rely on it.

(Because if you expect it, if you prepare for it, sometimes it hurts less. Sometimes you can try and numb yourself to it in advance)

However, if she could break away from one emotion it would be hope. Such a cruel mistress, always tempting and suggesting things that aren't, things that won't. All the same, hope is addicting and Hinata bleeds for it. She bleeds and stands in broken ankles and shattered dreams and dares to believe.

Hinata can't help but hope.

(Hinata can't help but crumble. Because she should know better, she knows better but she can't force herself to stop.

Hope, she's aware, it's the only thing she has left. Without it, there's nothing)

Then rejection always comes, a jealous and scorned lover that makes sure that she knows her mistakes.

Hinata knows she can't change- she was born weak, difficult and stubborn. A bawling premature baby for the silent stoic Hyuga. Shy instead of stern, soft when it should be hard, tears where there should be pride.

Hinata knows this, her family knows this, her classmates know this.

(Naruto doesn't. It's the first time being forgotten and unlooked and it's a blessing.

Naruto doesn't, but one day he will and then-)

So this shouldn't surprise her.

It shouldn't. She had expected it. _Really_. It's so predictable she's not even hurt.

Naruto breathes shamelessly his lover's name, a whisper that caresses and strokes in ways Hinata was never able to earn. There are love and passion in every caress, in the way the move against each other, with complicity between them she was never a part of. No matter what she thought or how hard she tried, much less what she told herself, before, what she forced herself to believe. She was always best at lying to herself.

She wonders when they are going to notice her.

(She wonders if they ever did, at the big scale of things and if she ever mattered. But those are selfish unjust thoughts- self-pity is another ally of hers, one that makes her feel the victim, a poor martyr in all disgrace that touches her and never, ever a willing participant. She hates how fast she always opens her door to it- and Hinata does her best in burying them )

It's Sasuke who sees her first. Sasuke who rises his chin with dignity, daring and a rebel even in this. This shouldn't make her smile, this lover with sweated skin that glistens under the sun and enough pride to make her feel like a roach, like an intruder in her own home.

But Hinata only was capable of learning how to be brave, nothing more, and she will not cower. He has no intention to stop so neither does she. 

" _Ohayo_ , Sasuke-kun"

Naruto startled shout does nothing to her. Neither does his terrified, guilty face.

Hinata never learned how to be angry, how to be strong enough for anger to reign free, she was always too afraid, too aware of things made in anger. Her family broke because her father acted in anger. Her cousin rushed actions guilted him to his death. So she doesn't get angry.

(Hinata never learned a million things that she should know. So lacking, so pathetic. This is nothing new- she tells herself- you know this feeling. Own it or _break_.)

The only reason Hinata doesn't shatter in million of pathetically small pieces is that she is reminded of Neji in the way Sasuke is subtly covering a shell-shocked Naruto. That stoic protectiveness was once hers and she lost it. Her life was his last wish and she would spend it in a way he would approve. Neji wouldn't want her to break like a foolish little toy. Neji would like her to overcome everything like only he ever believed she could.

So Hinata will overcome shame for him.

"Anata" She calls and some part of her is insisting in tasting ashes and regrets in the process. But words are tasteless and bitterness is for crones. Hinata would not shatter under a simple word.

"Hinata!" He panics, and it should be as amusing and disastrous as always. It isn't. "I can explain! He just...! We were...! I..." Instead, all Hinata feels is emptiness.

(What opening can anger find in a chest so void of expectations? Hinata tried so hard to believe herself loved but, like many other things, she failed in this too. 

A blessing in disguise, she supposes. It would not do to make a scene and show the village her shame. Her childhood taught her how disgrace felt all to well and she is not eager to recreate the feeling)

"There's no need" Softly, oh so softly the words come out. No accusation in between. "I have eyes" Hinata closes them in a smile a bit too genuine for a time like this. Her tongue is burning. 'How long' she wants to ask 'Did I ever mean something to you' she doesn't dare to question. Suspects it but doubts, that seed of hope she always was selfish enough to save. Because while she can believe herself loved, she can't face the truth "Sasuke-kun" She calls the lover because she will be dust if she continues to stare at her husband. She was always weak and love makes no difference in this "Stay for dinner tonight. We can talk later"

It's not fair that the only use she finds in that Hyuga stoicism she lacked for so long is to hide hurt and rejection. Nonetheless, she is thankful.

(Dignity and appearances are the only weapons she owns now. Courtesy her techniques. Without them she is bare, wounds exposed, waiting for the final blow.)

Hinata breathes the last kind, carefully not accusing smile at them before leaving the room. She walks calmly, quietly into her home. It's empty, like always, with two children too grown up and friendly to stay with their old mother and a husband that-

A husband who-

Hinata enters the kitchen to start with dinner. And if onions made her sob brokenly instead of merely irritating her eyes,  _well_.

Hinata is uncomfortably intimate with failure, too.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they come- and they do, they and their foolish pride, making them unable to cover and run or hide even when they want to, even when they should. Were they not so vastly overpowered over the rest of mortals they would have died the first time they stepped out the village. They are invulnerable, so unaware of the ruins they oh-so-effortlessly leave behind them.

When they come- and they do, they and their foolish pride, making them unable to cover and run or hide even when they want to, even when they should. Were they not so vastly overpowered over the rest of mortals they would have died the first time they stepped out the village. They are invulnerable, so unaware of the ruins they oh-so-effortlessly leave behind them. 

(It’s not like that but, then again, for giants, the world is made of ants. And how many had Hinata herself stepped on before Shino make her take notice?)

They come bearing gifts. A cheap pastry from her favorite bakery.

(Because Hinata loves cinnamon buns and she loves so strongly, so desperately that she would forgive immediately at the first sign of guilt. _Of course, she would_ )

She can't help but smile at the gesture.

( _The Byakugan princess_ , they once called her, bought by a cheap pastry)

Hinata carefully accepts the treat. Her eyes are warm and her smile genuine. The bitterness eating her alive, burning her inside in spite and rage and somehow managing to remain hidden even under the most perceptive eye.

Sasuke eyes her and swallows. It should not be this satisfying, that a man that can kill with just a glance is intimidated by her. It does and the tsunami smashing into her becomes calm waves again.

(But still waters runs deep and her ocean is dark and bottomless and freezing and it does not forget, does not forgive. It is hungry and it will be sated, one way or another)

"I remembered you liked tomatoes, I hope you still do" The perfect hostess, the perfect wife. Such a kunoichi, befitting the Hyuga name and the Hyuga heirloom. Truly, the Hyuga missed out with her.

(If nothing else, Hinata was always good at deception like the good little diplomat she should have grown up as. But Hinata is a forgotten little housewife, that Hyuga princess that was almost something in her youth. A priced _commodity_ )

"...Thank you"

So awkward, this man that could break mountains effortlessly. It would be endearing, had she not found him fucking her husband hours before. 

 "Don't thank me until you have a taste" She is lighthearted and hospitable, in a way she has copied Sakura of. Light, warm, witty and charming. It's as fake as Hinata's cheer so it suits her perfectly. "Sakura won't come?" As if. She still tilts her head in innocent curiosity, like Akamaru, like Kakashi-sensei unassuming mastery of himself, like some harmless sweet little thing that should be protected and treasured and never mistreated.

(For all the good it ever served her.)

"No!" Naruto is brash. It's the first thing he has said to her and it comes out rushed, alarmed, scared. She should have felt pity or empathy or perhaps anger on her friend behalf. However, an empty discarded thing like her could never hope to be that kind.

Instead, she relaxes, knowing she is not a joke to be laughed at behind her back. That foolish Hyuga Princess that believes so strongly that her hero could love her back.

(She wants to _retch_ at the thought)

"Do not worry Anata" She enjoys the way he flinches, transparent eyes confused and hurt and guilty. Hinata couldn't care less of his hurt feelings. It's a freeing sensation "I made ramen too" Except she does, like the desperate little girl she has never been skillful enough to hide. Or bother with, to be honest. Some people play strengths like Hinata plays weakness, truth and bluff so deeply ingrained it's impossible to know when one begins and the other ends. It's a courtesan thing, she is aware. For those with no pride and no name under them, those little spies like flies nobody worries about because they are easy to deal with and they know it. Common, annoying, insignificant.

Not like Hinata, who was born an heiress and a kunoichi and a noble, who should be like another face at the Hokage Monument but it's the annoyingly little bird instead.

(A worthy ninja is far too useful to ever be considered a commodity. So, of course, Hinata is one.)

Because Hinata has never been what she should, has a way of failing every expectation set on her. Because she has learned (through tears and blood and crumbling self-doubt, with glass three inches deep in her feet and elegant steps for impossible songs to dance to blasting in her brain) how to use it on her favor.

So she plays host, she is kind and warm and merciful and the ideal wife and when the last piece of the cinnamon bun has passed her throat and the last sip of tea has sated her thirst she makes her move.

She doesn't flinch from his honest eyes, doesn't let herself. They are so blue and wide and Hinata could fool herself into reading entire novels inside them but doesn't dare to. _'Was any of it true?'_ She yearns to ask him like the pathetic desperate foolish girl she pretends she's pretending to portray and is, every pathetic unworthy inch. Again, she refrains, as a coward unable to face the truth staring at her face.

"What are you going to do, now that I know?" She says instead, calm and composed like the Hyuga she never achieved to be. Naruto chokes and Sasuke tenses, caught off guard.

(Being underestimated by those she loves and knows always hurts, no matter how many times she tells herself it was her intention all along.

That man is her husband with whom she has shared years and he never ever-

She missed her dear cousin so much the longing chokes her)

"What do you mean." Sasuke does not ask, not really. Hinata smiles and serves herself more tea in the way of the geisha, elegant and in no rush. A flash of a wrist, white and tempting. The vapor over the teas, soothing and fragrant. Useless gestures, a pretentious ceremony, a diversion used for lesser men- for men who could be interested or distracted by  _her_ \- than the ones standing before her.

But courtesy is all she has left, and the rigidity of it relaxes her. It also confuses them, with their eager mistreated hearts and straightforward ways. 

"A divorce...is not advisable for a Hokage" She says like it's common knowledge and the two men in front of her are not the least politically aware individuals she has ever met, despite their hand in shaping the world. "An affair would be worse. A ninja must be, above all, loyal"

A proposal, written in poisoned ink.

(But who is the real victim, if she is the one bleeding the most?)

"He is the Hero of the Shinobi World" Sasuke refutes, calmly, like he knows what he is talking about. It is mostly anger. He is furious at her, a hissing panther, because he is so aware of the full body flinch said hero did at his side. "He's loyal" He snarls at the end because self-control had never been one of his priorities, not really, not when it really matters.

_Loyal to who?_ A small part of her spats, furious on his behalf. On Sasuke's, who on this, she can't blame. Because Hinata was never able to see things one way, she always had to see by others eyes too and she knows some part of her is being unfair to him. Sasuke's hatred was the only thing _alive_ inside him for so long, she can't resent him for finding the same sun as her. He hurts her, all the same. 

Because Naruto is _loyal_ to the bone. It just takes a look at their past to know that.

But his loyalty has clear priorities. And her name is probably last, if it ever was written somewhere. Probably on an Ichiraku's napkin, forgotten at the ramen stand- it didn't even make it to his pocket.

"Which only worsens it" She contradicts firmly. Her spine is the straightest it has ever been "Continue your affair if you will" Consent. Because the truth is that if Naruto must care so little for her, if after all things shared he respects her as her wife so little, showing her wounds will only shame her. Something has twisted inside her, after finding them. Indifference, she knows, will be a low blow for him. It what hurts him most, even after all this time. "I'll stay" She remains unmoved of the damage caused. Spite and rage claw up her throat and all her words are laced with poison.

(And somehow despite being the one handing over the venom, despite being the aggressor, she is the victim. She is caged, helpless and in need of saving.

What a _spectacular_ kunoichi she has turned out to be)

"Hinata" It is no louder than a whisper, saturated with guilt and sadness. Hinata finds his pained eyes and can't help but regret. She loves him _so much_.

(Foolish, foolish girl, always denying what your eyes tell you in favor of those weak-willed emotions of yours. The Hyuga that willfully blinded herself to the hurtful truth. How shameful)

She is breaking but she breathes. In and out.

_In._

"My children will not grow up in a broken home. My village will not suffer unrest because of your selfish whims" She spats in a tone so angry it sounds alien to her ears. She has not felt this angry since Shino told her how badly Boruto misbehaved in his class, and the troubled image it reflected on their village.

_Out._

(It is not superficial, to care about the image of her family. All of Team Seven saw themselves above insignificant things such as the public opinion but Hinata knows better. Hinata's life has been shaped by the public opinion of her, by the Hyuga perception. They saw her weak and she was. Kurenai and her team saw her as something more, so she tried. Boruto and Himawari see her as their gentle mother, who will always be there for them. So she is.

A Hokage who could not even control his own son- no matter his merits, or maybe more because of them. Fighting is not leading. Not in peacetime-  is one that does not stay in power for long. That hat was her beloved's dream and she will not let it be broken.)

"Sasuke is not a whim!" He explodes, more incensed than ever. In hindsight,  his feelings are so clear. Naruto saw her as someone who will love him unconditionally and she does. And he needed that more than what he really wanted.

_In._

"Yes I am. You are married, I am your dirty secret" Sasuke cuts in sharply. The scorn of his words is contradicted by the warmth in his eyes. They are dark and full of emotion- they, even in his darkest moment, have never managed to be empty like his brother's. Hinata had only seen them from afar, but Uchiha Itachi’s empty gaze terrified her. Sasuke’s never managed that. Burning in hated, drowning in sorrow, freezing in despair, hardening with purpose, a mirror to the tortured soul beneath. Now, they melt.

They are _beautiful_.

"That's not what it is and you know it" Naruto growls but his eyes shine as bright as she ever saw them. How blind. How foolish. What an idiot she was.

_Out_.

"Naruto" Hinata calls and suddenly it's like Naruto is six, she is her mom and he is doing something he shouldn't. The silence that follows, just for a second, in heavy. All Hinata can think about is how wrong it was, that expression. She was a wife. A partner. An equal. Hinata chooses to ignore this other truth "I would ask only two things of you"

It can be considered blackmail, probably it should, but Hinata merely requests something little, because even now her selfishness must be sated.

"Hinata..." The whisper is sad. Her name is pity "I never wanted to..."

_Lie._

"Be more secretive. More careful. Lock the doors, set seals, cast a genjutsu." She looks at him at the eyes to see herself reflected. This man, able to see the best in everyone, able to make the most broken man stand and want again, only watches her with regret. It's damming and Hinata has never felt so weak.

(There's something lacking in her and it's _endless_. Everyone she meets, everyone she loves, everyone she talks to knows it instinctually.

It devours that little thing, that hidden ability people had to make others love them. They give love and get it back, like some mysterious scale she was only able to see from far. Because hers is all unbalanced and she puts weights on one side and gives and gives and gives until the balance will fall, broken. Her half full, the other empty.

Then, surrounded by the collapsed scales of her failures, she will fall, completely barren)

Of course, of course, she has resorted to begging. She was always so weak.

"And please " Her voice is weak, soft and trembling and Hinata can't stand looking at him anymore. She stares at her hands, instead. Her nervous, traitorous hands that could never stay motionless "Please stop pretending with me behind closed doors." She closes them into tight fists. No more lies. "I don't- _I can't_ \- I won't stand it" It's the first glimpse she has given of how broken she is, how betrayed she feels.

It's unnecessary because Hinata has the most greedy hideous soul and she is cursed to wear it bare. Her pain must be clear, her happiness shown with every little insecurity soiling it, her hesitance as an opening to her enemies, her fear as a weakness to her father.

Her love, the obsessive ravenous thing it is, must be seen as unappealing as it is, to be refused.

(Again and again and again and again.

But Hinata has known rejection for a long time, it's her longest, closest friend and she has learned to expect her. This way, she numbs herself to it before it strikes. This way, it hurts less)

**_(Lie.)_ **


End file.
